Skeleton Songs

Stop me, I find myself believing

2011-03-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

Song Of The Moment: "Imperfect" by Stone Sour

So I texted Mar, big mistake. I still care for her. that won't ever change. I just wanna forget now, but I can't. I wanna forget that summer. I just wanna forget. Please. This makes no sense.

I.love.you.mar.
Always.
That won't ever change.
Sadly.

Memory Problems?

2011-03-03T05:11:00.000-08:00

Song Of The Day: "Invincible" by Adelitas Way
I wanna start off by saying that Brad is a total asshole. Typical, though. The only halfway decent relationship I've ever had was with Jake. My ex that lives with me. It's starting to make me not believe in love. Maybe it doesn't exist. Who really knows?

I've been trying to bring myself out of my depression, only to find I'm starting to have memory problems. I can barely recall conversations anymore. This is starting to piss me off tremendously.

For referance:

2011-02-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

Shawn: So now u know the truth do u feel better?
Me: I don't really know the truth.
I mean, I only know what you think and what I know.
I can't say I believe or do not believe him right now.
If he cares, he has a slightly odd way of showing it.
But don't we all?
I mean, I kinda half expected him to talk about it.
It's just a shock he did.
Shawn: well he really dosent have anyone else to talk to when he is here so he tells me things! I could tell u alot more but i am not into hurting women!
Me: Yeah, makes sense. I mean, go on. Shoot. He left, from the looks of it, so I don't really give a flying fuck anymore. Say what you want. I can handle it. Trust me,
Shawn: if i do u cant ever talk to him again cause if he finds out i told u he would b pissed
Me: go ahead. It's not like we're talking anymore.
Shawn: there was like 4 chicks on fb he was talking to and txting and getting nasty pics from! urs were the nicest!!! sorry i lied i had to make sure u 2 were through! He tottaly got dissed by 1! 1 is fuckin crazy! 1 is u! and the other is the one he is supposed to b movin in with! now u know the story
Me: Well I kinda of figured that. But you know, stupidity is so blind I guess. A lot adds up now, and to be honest, he'll get what's coming to him. Playing four girls will come back on him, believe me. But I honestly knew something was really up, when things started going sour. I dunno. He said that he was moving down here, but I guess he lied. Nothing new. Like I said, fuck him and the horse he rode in. If he has no respect for the girl he "likes" then well... What does that say about him?

------------------------------

Makes me seem like a whore, but whatever. My blog isn't for your amusement, it's for my referance to the stupid things I do.
;p

Ehhh

2011-02-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

So I'm using blogger again. I have a laptop now so it's a bit easier to draft these. I could go into a lengthy reason of why I need to pick this shit up again, but I won't. It should decently explain it's self soon, shouldn't it?

-----Brad
I don't know how to describe what I feel for him right now. The connection is still there, but barely. It's like it'd be better off if we left each other but then again, that might just hurt us more in the long run. I know I'm starting off with now, but shit. I know the details, don't I? Let me take you back about a month ago when I first created my second facebook profile. It was strange. I was indulging in a side of me that's been patiently waiting to come out for a long time now, He requested me and we started talking. I didn't expect anything to be there, but he's highly intelligent for someone with a past like he has. Of course, I'm also highly intelligent for my age. I just don't show it very well. I could run through the entire connecting phase but it's a moot point. I know it's there. He recently has run into some problems and to be honest, he left. It hasn't been the same since. We barely talk. It hurts a whole lot but I have to be strong. Hopefully things change but I highly doubt they will. I've been debating on whether or not to leave completely and hurt us both more then help. I really don't know what to do and that's what's really tearing me up inside, I think. I was hoping to hear from him but eh, I guess I won't.

secret

2010-12-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

So today i decided to come to the library. I've been reading sixbillionsecrets again, I honestly miss reading it. I think if I could post a secret, It'd be this:
Rmemeber that time when you stayed up with me til 5 am because i hadn't been sleeping well?
I miss those times.
I miss just talking to you, reguardless of what form.

What is there to say?

2010-10-27T10:33:00.001-07:00

Song of The Moment: "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.

So I haven't posted in a bit, and frankly I don't know where to start.
I've pushed my ex away to the point where I'm maibnly on my computer all damn day. We barely hang out, I'm barely happy. It's like he didn't want to push or fight for me. Which leads my assumptions of him only wanting me for sex, to be true. Maybe he's afraid to push me because lately, I've become extremely violent. Extremely territorial. I'll never know because we talked last night... and when my ma's good with the money, he's moving out. Is it what I want? I don't know. I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I'm barely eating, I get depressed easily among other things. I don't know why, but I've lost interest in most things, I've been suicidal or needing to cut since the night two weeks ago when I was extremely suicidal. I bet you didn't even know, I know you didn't care. I try to be happy, but honestly, I feel everything slipping again.

My weekend

2010-10-03T18:52:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Shoulda Let U Go" Sean Kingston Ft. Good Charlotte

There's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been acting a bitch because i'm fed up with everyone's shit. My ex-boyfriend, who lives with me, decided to get shitfaced drunk on friday. We argued about him leaving said party he got drunk at. We argued a bunch that night, yet I took care of him. He didn't want to lay down but insisted he stay in the kitchen. I eventually got him to lay down where he proceeded to throw up on my bed. I cleaned the puke up, puking myself. He passed out and I was left to sleep on the couch with no pillows. About three or so in the morning, he woke me up stumbling around. He ended up pissing by the front door because he was still incoherent as to where the bathroom was. After that, I tried calling everyone i know that may be up and I got bitched out and made to feel like I was a horrible person by someone. I don't take people's crap too well. Anyways, about 7:45ish am, he woke up and had to go to the bathroom. He puked most of the day, by the evening was able to eat. He's better but damn, it rememinded me of when I had to pull my mother to bed. I had to do that for him. I love him, but it's just stressful when that shit happens. Not to mention the other night.

Oh and my mom insists on threatening me to kick me out, which I told her the next time she does it, I will move out. Even if I have to give up the computer I'm tying on. She's crossed the line and I love her, but I'm tired of the threats.

I just need some alone time, and I can't find any. Maybe one day.

Update

2010-09-16T10:13:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "All I Want" by Staind

I know I haven't posted in awhile. I lately feel depressed and hardly interested in shit.I was surprised when I actually read an entire book yesterday. I love reading, but lately I haven't wanted to read. Maybe it's just time I change genres for awhile again.

I'm trying to wake myself up, but I have no real motivation for it. I may go ahead and go back to sleep, as it'd benefit me.

First, thought, I'd like to talk about the "ring". I have a friend who was messing with the ring in bible study. I about punched her cuz she looked like she was going to break it. I was pissed and disconnected the rest of the bible study.

Which brings me to my next problem, I hate when people down other people's religion and know nothing about it. It just pisses me off. I've studied a lot and the one thing I remember most about is the religion teachings in school. I prolly won't go again, I may just to sit through it for my boyfriend. I honestly don't want to.

I'm still slightly angered about my friend trying to touch the ring. It's special as it holds memories and meaning. I don't know what else to say so I'll end it here. : D

Goodbye, Bitch : )

2010-08-29T07:48:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Take it Off" by Ke$ha

The song has no relevance to this blog post, it's just what I'm listening to.

Let me first start off with what's been happening, in my own words.

---I've mentioned Teddy before. Well he was supposed to be my "brother" but was against a lot of what I wanted. He would make up stories just to get me to turn away from anything that he didn't want me to have. Even if I wanted it. Of course, I didn't listen, but for this blog it's neccessary to point this out.

---He lied a lot, played mind games, and thought a lot of bad stuff about me (I suspect).

---He forced me onto others so 'I wouldn't have to rely on him'. Like what the fuck? I'm the type of person that misplaces trust easily, but I didn't see him forcing me to talk to my boyfriend when I didn't want my boyfriend to know. I have severe depression and I didn't want Jake to know the stuff going through my head.

---Teddy belittled me and made it out to be that Jake was more important to him and that Jake wasn't capable of understanding jack shit about me. Jake knew exactly what he was getting into when he decided to be with me, as we spent 4-5 hours each day just talking and sitting on the grass or porch.
---[8/27/2010 5:44:26 PM] White_Wolf: angie, then why the fuck did you fucking say yes to him? why did you give him hope? why did you do anything to lead him to you? now i have to see my friend upset and depressed bc you gave up hope.

-------Teddy/Angie's Convo--------

[8/23/2010 10:45:58 AM] White_Wolf: i am goin to stop being her friend =/
[8/23/2010 10:46:22 AM] [[Angie]]: Who?
[8/23/2010 10:46:25 AM] White_Wolf: lane
[8/23/2010 10:46:33 AM] [[Angie]]: Why?
[8/23/2010 10:46:33 AM] [[Angie]]: o.o
[8/23/2010 10:47:18 AM] White_Wolf: bc she has changed alot since she got power on the chat and back to cali. she doesnt care about me nvr has. i am just done with the games andd head games

Can I ever forget?

2010-08-22T20:01:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Your Love" by Nicki Minaj

I can taste the vodka even though I haven't drank any yet. After I type this, I may go outside and drink. I've been remembering way too much today. Way too much about the past three months. Maybe I'll finally forget you, because you're not coming back.

Byeee =/

2010-08-21T18:57:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Cross To Bear" by Staind

I guess I'm just a cruel cold hearted bitch as everyone I care about and love has shut me out and pushed me away out of their life. I'm left here asking myself 'why?'. I just lost my best friend and someone I considered to be a brother becuase I was "too suicidal" for him. I went to you in time of need because I can't tell my own boyfriend all the thoughts in my head without him suffocating me, which he does anyways. Or at least sometimes it feels like that. Other times, we can talk and have a decent conversation about my depression. That's only when I let him in though.

I hate that everyone has shut me out recently, as having no one to turn to sucks. Sometimes I wonder why it happens, other times I know it's all my fault. Momma always said I had no true friends and no one gave two shits about me.... Guess she was right all along.

Sometimes, I hate how my mother says these things out of anger and then at random points in time they seem like they're true.

I honestly have nothing left in my head to say....

Except I'll miss you Teddy.

And I know you're prolly happy to get rid of me.

Going In Blind

2010-08-11T11:27:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Hate Me" by Blue October

Sometimes I ask myself 'Why?". Why did everything have to go to shit? With everyone.

I feel so detached from everyone, even Jake. Sometimes I breakdown for no reason. Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts.

The one thing that came out of all this mess and chaos? I won't touch my blade anymore. I can remember how worried you were, even when you never expressed it to me.

I don't think it's all because of you, but you had a part.

So I thank you.

But back to feeling detached, I really don't know why but I do.

I know it's my depression, but god, how I hate the feeling.

I don't know what else to say because, honestly, I have no thoughts in my brain right now.

I just wanna go cry again.

Ending Song: "Going In Blind" by P.O.D.

tears

2010-08-08T19:00:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Over And Over" By Nelly & Tim McGraw

I haven't wrote a blog post in forever and I'm a little... shaken up at the moment. I honestly don't know why I looked at your old blog posts, or that comment you left.

Sometimes I stay up late at night and wonder how it all went to shit. I know exactly how it went to shit, like usual.

Sometimes, I wish just to hear your voice. I just wanna know you're alright. That you're okay. Is that too much to ask?

My computer is down, but my new one is up. It doesn't have half the music I need to calm my ass down right now. I'm extremely close to crying.

Nor does this computer for that matter. It only has what I want to download and what I remember.

This song...has got me in tears. Skillet's "Believe", that is.

I may break up with Jake soon because I can't handle some of the feelings I have.

but I'd feel bad because I just asked my mother if he could move in.

I remember so much.

Even with out the old computer and all our convos.

I still remember.

It's harder on me losing people I care about, I suppose.

I've heard from Teddy that you hate me. That you leave every time my name's mentioned. That you get pissed.

Problem with me is, I just can't fucking forget.

So I hope you're happy. Wherever you may be.

You

2010-07-29T05:48:00.001-07:00

Honestly I'm not okay. I haven't been for a few days. The problem? I miss you. I'm keeping my feelings inside. All I want is to hear your voice again. I know that bridge is burned though. Jake can tell something's wrong but he won't press, which makes me glad. I've been suicidal for awhile now too. I remember I told Jake I was throwing away my blade. I haven't, yet. I need to.....

Schedule

2010-07-23T07:24:00.001-07:00

Songs Of the Moment: "Get it Up" Mindless Self Indulgence, "Face To Face" by Sevendust

I barely have a free moment anymore, but I'm not complaining. I absolutely am happy right now. My daily routine is as follows...to an extent:

- Wake up at 6:30 Am and have coffee and breakfast
- Hop on computer for a bit to chat with who's on or read sbs
- 7:30Am I get dressed for another day at IT class. xD
- 7:50 I leave from home to catch bus
- I'm at IT building at 8:40AM
- From 9 to 2:15, I'm in the building doing various IT work.
- I get hom from IT after I've catched 2 buses at 3:10.
- I eat, relax a bit, and then I head out for my walk to Jake's
- I get home from Jake's about 9:15-9:45ish.
- Jake and I hang out on the porch for an amount of time, depends on how tired I am
- I sleep and then I wake up and do it all over again. xD

Now this is what's been happening since Friday of last week.
Friday's I'm "off".
Which reminds me that I need to text Jennifer and see what time for Saturday.
I'm getting to see Iliana on saturday.
I'm quite excited.
I'm also wondering how Jake's markings are fairing out, as one hurts.
Maybe one day I'll explain about Jake.

On a side note, I've moved the ring from the finger it was on. It didn't feel right where it was anymore. It hasn't for awhile. I've been ignoring that feeling though. It never feels right on my hand anyways. It's just a burden.

Missing You

2010-07-19T04:22:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Should've When You Could've" by Skillet

I have spent the last three days with Ted and Jake. Yesterday, Ted and I had an in depth talk and he realized a lot of things. I honestly hide a lot more than people realize. I wish I could think of more to say on the subject but it's early in the morning.and I can barely think.

I actually have been sleeping a lot better. Jake ended up giving me a necklace that he's worn for quite some time. I wear it to bed every night and the nightmares have been kept at bay. For now.

That brings me to another subject. The last night the nightmares were kept at bay... was the night you stayed up with me on the phone. I realize you're leaving my life. I'll miss you. I always will.

I'm trying to end this on a happy note but I can't. I just fucking can't right now. I honeslty don't want to lose you in my life, Marlyna.

Over it part Three

2010-07-14T13:01:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga

This is the final part of "Over it'. Honestly, after eveything that's happened, I can only hate myself. Why, you might ask? I believe that I reacted too soon versus processing what I had been given. I've sat down and thought about what was given to me and the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. The chick had no facts because alas, I only let people see what I want them to see. I remember sending Marlyna a text that said "I'm sorry that I didn't trust you and that I didn't have faith in you." The fact is, I barely trust what little friends I have. If I had a chance to do this over, believe me I would. I can only hope for the best as far a friendship between Marlyna and I, but I don't think it'll happen. I really have no idea. I also know that I'm hiding a lot, when I shouldn't. I still care deeply for her but I'm getting better at hiding it. The only one that sees it is Ted. Then again, I've been really tired and still pissed off from the damn fight. I just need to get my head out of the clouds or something.

Over it Part Two

2010-07-14T12:50:00.001-07:00

[7/12/2010 8:47:22 PM] Ted J. Carman Jr.: beanie
[7/12/2010 8:47:31 PM] [[Angie]]: Hey there
[7/12/2010 8:47:48 PM] Beanie one: no sounds at all ???
[7/12/2010 8:47:53 PM] [[Angie]]: Sorry
[7/12/2010 8:48:13 PM] [[Angie]]: But no.
I couldn't effectively listen
[7/12/2010 8:48:18 PM] [[Angie]]: If it was talking
[7/12/2010 8:48:35 PM] Beanie one: okay need to know if i should mute music ....lol
[7/12/2010 8:49:01 PM] Ted J. Carman Jr.: hahah
[7/12/2010 8:49:13 PM] Beanie one: okay so Angie
[7/12/2010 8:49:30 PM] Beanie one: look i know your not fond of me .... not sure why .... but ill respect it
[7/12/2010 8:50:02 PM] Beanie one: you there?
[7/12/2010 8:50:04 PM] [[Angie]]: Yeah
[7/12/2010 8:50:13 PM] Beanie one: okay
[7/12/2010 8:50:13 PM] Beanie one: umm
[7/12/2010 8:50:23 PM] Beanie one: Im only saying this because i was there
[7/12/2010 8:50:25 PM] Beanie one: i know
[7/12/2010 8:50:32 PM] Beanie one: but lane is playing you
[7/12/2010 8:50:35 PM] Beanie one: and shes doing HARD
[7/12/2010 8:50:42 PM] Beanie one: she did it to me
[7/12/2010 8:50:52 PM] Beanie one: thats how she managed to be here in Indiana
[7/12/2010 8:51:14 PM] Beanie one: i just dont want anyone else to have to feel how i did because of Lane
[7/12/2010 8:51:22 PM] [[Angie]]: I can understand
[7/12/2010 8:51:33 PM] Beanie one: im not here to bash her or talk shit about her
[7/12/2010 8:51:36 PM] Beanie one: at all
[7/12/2010 8:51:48 PM] Beanie one: i like lane .....as a person ....as a friend
[7/12/2010 8:51:49 PM] [[Angie]]: Just to tell me to open my eyes
[7/12/2010 8:52:00 PM] Beanie one: unfortunatly .... she just doesnt feel the same
[7/12/2010 8:52:13 PM] Beanie one: she will say anything and everything you want to hear
[7/12/2010 8:52:20 PM] Beanie one: as she has this far
[7/12/2010 8:52:27 PM] Beanie one: she will make you feel loved and wanted
[7/12/2010 8:52:44 PM] Beanie one: she knows all the rightr words and when to say them
[7/12/2010 8:52:54 PM] Beanie one: i guarentee you ...
[7/12/2010 8:53:06 PM] Beanie one: i heard the exact same words she is telling you
[7/12/2010 8:53:30 PM] Beanie one: " she wants to be with you but wont do long distance " ??
[7/12/2010 8:53:35 PM] Beanie one: sound familar ???
[7/12/2010 8:54:10 PM] Beanie one: she misses you and wishes she was with you
[7/12/2010 8:54:15 PM] Beanie one: sound familair ???
[7/12/2010 8:56:01 PM] Beanie one: look Angie .... you opinion of me is what it is ... for your own reasons
[7/12/2010 8:56:06 PM] Beanie one: but this is fact ..... I DO NOT LIE
[7/12/2010 8:56:10 PM] Beanie one: to ANYONE
[7/12/2010 8:56:15 PM] Beanie one: for ANY REASON
[7/12/2010 8:56:32 PM] Beanie one: you want to end up hurt and all that..... believe her words
[7/12/2010 8:56:41 PM] Beanie one: but im telling you staight up ..... its bullshit
[7/12/2010 8:56:48 PM] Beanie one: she wants you until she has you
[7/12/2010 8:56:53 PM] Beanie one: then ... well your nothing to her
[7/12/2010 8:57:18 PM] Beanie one: she " wanted to be with me " until i got her here
[7/12/2010 8:57:44 PM] Beanie one: see Lane is about one thing and one thing only
[7/12/2010 8:57:50 PM] Beanie one: PLAYING THE GAME
[7/12/2010 8:58:03 PM] Beanie one: as long as you follow along ...she has use for you
[7/12/2010 8:58:17 PM] Beanie one: the mintue the feelings become real on your end ....games over
[7/12/2010 8:58:20 PM] Beanie one: OVER
[7/12/2010 8:58:33 PM] Beanie one: cuz he doesnt and never will have those same REAL feelings for YOU
[7/12/2010 8:58:51 PM] Beanie one: This sucks and i know .... gods i know ... i was there first hand
[7/12/2010 8:59:08 PM] Beanie one: but ya know Angie .....if it wasnt the truth .... it wouldnt be hurting you right now
[7/12/2010 8:59:16 PM] [[Angie]]: Actually
[7/12/2010 8:59:22 PM] [[Angie]]: I'm kinda in the middle
[7/12/2010 8:59:29 PM] Beanie one: of ?
[7/12/2010 8:59:40 PM] [[Angie]]: Because I'm one to listen to people
But I'm also one to do my own digging
[7/12/2010 8:59:59 PM] Beanie one: well again ... only YOU can decide where to take this
[7/12/2010 9:00:04 PM] Beanie one: im just telling you facts
[7/12/2010 9:00:13 PM] Beanie one: i hate it that they hurt
[7/12/2010 9:00:20 PM] Beanie one: but thats just me.... i DONT LIE
[7/12/2010 9:00:33 PM] Beanie one: i do NOT want to see you or ANYONE else fall into her game
[7/12/2010 9:00:37 PM] Beanie one: it sucks ass
[7/12/2010 9:00:47 PM] Beanie one: emotions are NOT to be played with
[7/12/2010 9:00:55 PM] Beanie one: that shit just doesnt go away
[7/12/2010 9:01:14 PM] Beanie one: and in the end
[7/12/2010 9:01:20 PM] Beanie one: it will only be YOU who hurts
[7/12/2010 9:01:38 PM] Beanie one: she wont skip a beat or thought moving on to the next chick in line
[7/12/2010 9:01:49 PM] Beanie one: dont you find it odd ....
[7/12/2010 9:02:00 PM] Beanie one: that you didnt know she was coming here to BE with me ?
[7/12/2010 9:02:11 PM] Beanie one: just like i knew NOTHING about YOU
[7/12/2010 9:02:16 PM] Beanie one: convient huh
[7/12/2010 9:02:36 PM] Beanie one: hit us both and scat back to Cali
[7/12/2010 9:02:39 PM] Beanie one: win for her
[7/12/2010 9:02:41 PM] Beanie one: 2 for one
[7/12/2010 9:02:58 PM] [[Angie]]: MMMHM.
[7/12/2010 9:03:03 PM] Beanie one: you see
[7/12/2010 9:03:10 PM] Beanie one: HAD i known about you
[7/12/2010 9:03:18 PM] Beanie one: i would NEVER have brought her ass here
[7/12/2010 9:03:20 PM] Beanie one: FUCK THAT
[7/12/2010 9:03:31 PM] Beanie one: i dont play taht tear two people apart bullshit
[7/12/2010 9:03:31 PM] [[Angie]]: Lemme make something clear
[7/12/2010 9:03:39 PM] Beanie one: okay
[7/12/2010 9:03:50 PM] Beanie one: shoot
[7/12/2010 9:04:25 PM] Beanie one: ??
[7/12/2010 9:05:31 PM] Ted J. Carman Jr.: Angie???
[7/12/2010 9:05:42 PM] Beanie one: Take your time Angie
[7/12/2010 9:05:48 PM] Beanie one: work it out in your head
[7/12/2010 9:06:39 PM] [[Angie]]: Sorry
[7/12/2010 9:06:56 PM] Beanie one: your good
[7/12/2010 9:07:03 PM] Beanie one: what do you need to make clear to me ?
[7/12/2010 9:07:42 PM] [[Angie]]: FFS
[7/12/2010 9:07:47 PM] [[Angie]]: I can't think
[7/12/2010 9:08:08 PM] [[Angie]]: She wasn't talking to me romantically when she came up here
[7/12/2010 9:08:19 PM] Beanie one: okay
[7/12/2010 9:08:27 PM] Beanie one: well she WAS ME
[7/12/2010 9:08:52 PM] [[Angie]]: I'm going to show you something... that may hurt
[7/12/2010 9:09:16 PM] Beanie one: nothing can hurt me at this point ..... Lane already did all that can be done
[7/12/2010 9:09:19 PM] Beanie one: but sure ....show me
[7/12/2010 9:09:58 PM] [[Angie]]: It's going to take a bit to find it
[7/12/2010 9:10:12 PM] Beanie one: okay take your time
[7/12/2010 9:11:43 PM] [[Angie]]: It's being slow
[7/12/2010 9:11:45 PM] [[Angie]]: D:
[7/12/2010 9:12:09 PM] [[Angie]]: It won't load
[7/12/2010 9:12:17 PM] [[Angie]]: Because everything's too fucking long
[7/12/2010 9:12:27 PM] [[Angie]]: D:
[7/12/2010 9:12:34 PM] Beanie one: okay
[7/12/2010 9:13:29 PM] [[Angie]]: But basically
[7/12/2010 9:13:39 PM] [[Angie]]: I can recall it from memopry
[7/12/2010 9:13:58 PM] [[Angie]]: It said, and don't FULLY quote me on this
[7/12/2010 9:15:14 PM] [[Angie]]: That you had broken up with your chick, she had broken up with Shay and you were both "clinging" to eachother.
When she got here, she didn't like you.
She though you were rude, confrontational and I can't remember what else.
[7/12/2010 9:15:46 PM] [[Angie]]: But, I now know why she won't do the long distance.
Or won't commit fully.
[7/12/2010 9:16:02 PM] Beanie one: confrontational yes .. of HER FALSE INTENTIONS OF GETTING HERE
[7/12/2010 9:16:03 PM] [[Angie]]: And that's her business, not mine.
[7/12/2010 9:16:15 PM] Beanie one: Angie
[7/12/2010 9:16:35 PM] Beanie one: she wont commit to ANYONE ...ANYWHERE cuz that would take her out of the game
[7/12/2010 9:17:45 PM] [[Angie]]: Sweetheart, I have the same issue as she does.
Because yes, I'm still in love with my first love.
It was a blow to the heart to hear he was ENGAGED.
I've diluted that love and misshappened it to the point where I can't even have his friendship;
[7/12/2010 9:18:47 PM] [[Angie]]: Is it a part of the game to love someone so wholy, so fully that you can't commit?
That you don't want to be with anyone else but them?
[7/12/2010 9:19:03 PM] [[Angie]]: But you always settle for less?
[7/12/2010 9:19:23 PM] Beanie one: she already done it Angie
[7/12/2010 9:19:27 PM] Beanie one: shes hooked you
[7/12/2010 9:19:32 PM] Beanie one: i hate that
[7/12/2010 9:19:32 PM] [[Angie]]: lol
[7/12/2010 9:19:40 PM] [[Angie]]: Sorry
[7/12/2010 9:19:45 PM] Beanie one: look chicka
[7/12/2010 9:19:46 PM] [[Angie]]: But you missed the point
[7/12/2010 9:19:53 PM] [[Angie]]: Of the whole Kevin thing
[7/12/2010 9:19:58 PM] Beanie one: all i can do her is give you the outcome
[7/12/2010 9:20:12 PM] [[Angie]]: I already got my outcome
[7/12/2010 9:21:14 PM] Beanie one: but are you prepard for the hurt of that outcome ???? seriously prepard ???? cuz im here to tell you ..... it will hit you hard ..... Lane is SO FUCKING EASY to love ... for MANY reasons
[7/12/2010 9:21:28 PM] [[Angie]]: Lemme give you somehting
[7/12/2010 9:21:51 PM] Beanie one: ?
[7/12/2010 9:22:05 PM] [[Angie]]: And then take a look at what you're saying
[7/12/2010 9:22:06 PM] [[Angie]]: I have no care to fight with you.
[9:04:23 PM] Lane: With anyone.
[9:04:25 PM] Lane: It's old.
[9:04:27 PM] Lane: Tiring.
[9:04:31 PM] Lane: Exhausting.
[9:04:39 PM] Lane: I'm in love with someone I cannot have, because she's straight.
[9:04:47 PM] Lane: I have four people in love with me, who I am friends with.
[9:04:55 PM] Lane: Balancing all that emotion and trying to tiptoe around all of you.
[9:05:01 PM] Lane: I cannot do it.
[9:05:04 PM] Lane: You want to know the truth?
[9:05:08 PM] [[Angie]]: Shoopt
[9:05:14 PM] Lane: My heart has belonged to someone else since I was 18 years old.
[9:05:19 PM] Lane: And she never loved me the way I love her.
[9:05:24 PM] Lane: But she is my best friend.
[9:05:30 PM] Lane: And I cannot turn away from her.
[7/12/2010 9:22:39 PM] [[Angie]]: Say what you will
[7/12/2010 9:22:44 PM] [[Angie]]: belive what you want
[7/12/2010 9:22:55 PM] [[Angie]]: What most people don't know?
[7/12/2010 9:23:04 PM] Beanie one: again ...............SMOOTH
[7/12/2010 9:23:40 PM] [[Angie]]: teddy?
[7/12/2010 9:23:43 PM] Beanie one: the qustions is only this Angie .... WHY should YOU settle for someone you know will NEVER love YOU for YOU but only what you GIVE to HER
[7/12/2010 9:24:30 PM] [[Angie]]: FFS
[7/12/2010 9:24:41 PM] [[Angie]]: I can't thinl
[7/12/2010 9:25:51 PM] Beanie one: ??
[7/12/2010 9:25:52 PM] Beanie one: tell me something Angie
[7/12/2010 9:25:52 PM] Beanie one: im curious
[7/12/2010 9:26:00 PM] [[Angie]]: I can't think
[7/12/2010 9:26:05 PM] Beanie one: Why DO you hate me so much ???
[7/12/2010 9:26:17 PM] [[Angie]]: I have no reason to hate you
[7/12/2010 9:26:19 PM] Beanie one: how did i ever offend YOU
[7/12/2010 9:26:28 PM] Beanie one: okay ... dislike
[7/12/2010 9:26:33 PM] [[Angie]]: But sometimes I go off the vibes I get
[7/12/2010 9:27:49 PM] Beanie one: but isnt it convient to you those " vibes " you get off me would have never been had it NOT been for LANE ????? I didnt know you and you didnt know me without once having LANE in the middle
[7/12/2010 9:27:57 PM] Beanie one: see it for WHAT IT IS
[7/12/2010 9:28:05 PM] [[Angie]]: Actually
[7/12/2010 9:28:20 PM] [[Angie]]: I got my first impression when we were over Teddy's
[7/12/2010 9:28:27 PM] [[Angie]]: When lane and I were just friends
[7/12/2010 9:28:31 PM] [[Angie]]: not ever talking hardly
[7/12/2010 9:28:31 PM] Beanie one: yes and WHO WAS THERE
[7/12/2010 9:28:33 PM] Beanie one: LANE
[7/12/2010 9:29:27 PM] [[Angie]]: My opinion isn't clouded by Lane
[7/12/2010 9:29:36 PM] Ted J. Carman Jr.: well angie, to tell you the truth i was totally wrong about her. and it is hard for me to admit but beanie is my best friend now. so yeah dont go off first impersions
[7/12/2010 9:29:54 PM] [[Angie]]: Because it was made that night.
I got off the vibe that you were nervous and that you don't like people
[7/12/2010 9:30:18 PM] Beanie one: ya know im not here to pretend to know you or pretend im your friend... cuz im neihter... i simply DONT KNOW YOU .... but i WILL say this ... from that hour we were all at Teddys ... NO i didnt care for you or Teddy for one reason ...... IM NOT YOUR AGE .....Im older .... i didnt relate to ANY of the things you all discussed ....... ffs.... you all talked about HIGHSHCOOL
[7/12/2010 9:30:55 PM] [[Angie]]: Like I said, you don't like people
[7/12/2010 9:31:16 PM] [[Angie]]: Say what you will
[7/12/2010 9:31:16 PM] Ted J. Carman Jr.: Shuts up
[7/12/2010 9:31:54 PM] [[Angie]]: You may be old but I have a lot of older friends who can relate to a lot of different scenarios
[7/12/2010 9:31:59 PM] Beanie one: okay well you have your opinion i respect that ... but until YOU KNOW ME ... dont think to sit here and place judgement on me .... im NOT doing that to you ..... so ..... have it whatever way you want it
[7/12/2010 9:32:04 PM] [[Angie]]: Not just highschool
[7/12/2010 9:32:14 PM] [[Angie]]: =/
[7/12/2010 9:32:23 PM] Beanie one: yet highschool was the only thing discussed at Teddys that night
[7/12/2010 9:32:28 PM] [[Angie]]: And I'm sorry you were uncomfortable that night
[7/12/2010 9:32:39 PM] [[Angie]]: Highschool
[7/12/2010 9:32:42 PM] [[Angie]]: Court
[7/12/2010 9:32:50 PM] Beanie one: well that is NOT your fault i was uncomfortable
[7/12/2010 9:32:58 PM] Beanie one: you know whos fault it is ?
[7/12/2010 9:33:00 PM] Beanie one: LANES
[7/12/2010 9:33:04 PM] Beanie one: for putting me there
[7/12/2010 9:33:11 PM] Beanie one: NOT giving me a option
[7/12/2010 9:33:26 PM] Beanie one: see i didnt know she about you or teddy
[7/12/2010 9:33:30 PM] Beanie one: till that night
[7/12/2010 9:33:39 PM] Beanie one: WTF was i suppose to do
[7/12/2010 9:33:42 PM] Beanie one: she wanted to go
[7/12/2010 9:33:45 PM] Beanie one: i HAD to take her
[7/12/2010 9:33:51 PM] Beanie one: I HAD to stay
[7/12/2010 9:34:01 PM] Beanie one: where was i gonna go ??? im NOT from there
[7/12/2010 9:34:08 PM] Beanie one: so you see
[7/12/2010 9:34:47 PM] Beanie one: you place judgement on ME all you want .... Im good with it .... but all this falls on ONE person ... Lane .... I dont know you Im not gonna sit here and bash you ... i dont have that right
[7/12/2010 9:35:08 PM] [[Angie]]: But you've been b" bashing' her all night
[7/12/2010 9:35:21 PM] Beanie one: have i ????? TRUTH is now bashing ????
[7/12/2010 9:35:32 PM] Beanie one: sorry you dont accept TRUTH in your life
[7/12/2010 9:36:03 PM] Beanie one: someday you WILL see her for WHAT she is .... and when you do ... you reflect on this entire convo and then tell me i was bashing her
[7/12/2010 9:36:18 PM] Beanie one: I was the adult here
[7/12/2010 9:36:34 PM] Beanie one: I walked away from MANY people i care about so that I would NOT end up bashing Lane
[7/12/2010 9:36:53 PM] Beanie one: and jading THEIR opinions of her
[7/12/2010 9:37:34 PM] Beanie one: name 1 nasty thing in this whole converstaion i have said to " bash " Lane
[7/12/2010 9:37:34 PM] Beanie one: just ONE
[7/12/2010 9:37:55 PM] Beanie one: everything i have said .... came STRAIGHT FROM LANES OWN MOUTH
[7/12/2010 9:37:58 PM] Beanie one: yes !
[7/12/2010 9:38:10 PM] Beanie one: she straight up told me ..... GIRLS ARE A GAME TO HER
[7/12/2010 9:38:19 PM] Beanie one: TO SEE HOW FAR SHE CAN TAKE THEM
[7/12/2010 9:38:48 PM] Beanie one: C'mon Angie .... ONE thing ...just ONE ... where i bashed her
[7/12/2010 9:39:00 PM] Beanie one: thats right
[7/12/2010 9:39:03 PM] Beanie one: you CNAT
[7/12/2010 9:39:11 PM] Beanie one: becuse i HAVE NOT BASHED HER
[7/12/2010 9:39:18 PM] Beanie one: i have spoken ONLY TRUTH
[7/12/2010 9:39:48 PM] Beanie one: and now i have your opinion of ME stragiht from YOUR mouth
[7/12/2010 9:39:52 PM] Beanie one: im done
[7/12/2010 9:39:57 PM] Beanie one: do as you will ....
[7/12/2010 9:40:07 PM] Beanie one: Take care and I hope it all works out for you
[7/12/2010 9:40:20 PM] Beanie one: you ever need anything tell Teddy and he will let me know
[7/12/2010 9:40:25 PM] Beanie one: Later
[7/12/2010 9:40:39 PM] [[Angie]]: Excuse me
[7/12/2010 9:40:44 PM] [[Angie]]: Prove that she said that?

This blog is, in my opinion, long over due. This entire conversation pisses me off, because the chick was obviously bashing Lane. It's okay to state your point once but not coontinually to the point of you talking shit about her. I really have no words for this because I even got into a fight with Teddy about this. The chick wouldn't listen to the truth, had none of the facts and came off as yelling and rude. I can't honestly say much more than show the conversation and look back on it later, because that's what my blog is for.

Over It

2010-07-13T19:28:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Never say Never" by The Fray

This morning keeps playing over and over in my mind. You're pushing me away after your confession, as I can cleary see it. I'm sorry I don't live closer. Again I will post something that I never want to forget.

[6:12:14 AM] Lane: i only held you once but i miss the way your hair feels brushing against my face...
[6:12:22 AM] Lane: the way your skin smells...
[6:12:33 AM] Lane: the way you feel in my arms...
[6:12:35 AM] Lane: and it sucks
[6:12:45 AM] Lane: because i refuse to do long distance relationships
[6:12:49 AM] Lane: because i can't

Ariel told me something this morning when we were talking. It makes perfect sense to say it, because in a way you are running from your feelings and what's right in front of you. I can't let you go, because I share the same deep feelings. I've spent nights crying because I couldn't be there next to you.

I have to end this before I start crying.... again.

Bigger Than you've ever done it.

2010-07-09T10:52:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "the Only exception" by Paramore

I just woke up for the third or fourth time. I honestly didn't know I was going to get so much sleep, as I don;'t even know how much I got. It rained and stormed here last night, but all I could think about it how I was worried if you were back home safe. I never got a text, and believe me I woke up more than once hoping for it. Sometimes, my phone does mess up and I don't receive texts and it pisses me off. I've actually saved a few texts to my phone. Casey using my daughter against me and one from the night you got back to California.

There's actually so many questions and thoughts flitting through my mind now that I'm more fully awake. There's also a part of me that wants to go back to sleep.

I remember yesterday only by my conversation with Whitney. She has an amazing personality and I'm glad she's working at Sirens. I don't want to say too much about the conversation in fear that I sound dorky or ditsy.

I remember you asked why you would take the bracelets off, but I want to ask you so damn bad if you'd let anyone snap them. Everyone around me knows, that the ring is extremely special to me. I've hurt Chris more then once because he was messing with it and threatening to break it. Which by the way, he's finally gone. After an extremely big fight.

I've reread this and in some parts, it sounds ditsy and dorky. I honestly don't know how I can hide all of this, because I know you're good at reading between the lines and I told you two nights ago I still felt the same.

++Add on++
Song Of The moment: "Best I Ever Had" by Drake

I guess I'm getting used to Chris being gone, but it's so boring.

I'm still worried about you, and shall text you soon.

Late Night Phone Calls

2010-07-07T11:47:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Find Your Love" by Drake

Even though it was only about 5 or 5 an a half ours of sleep, I finally got a decent night's sleep. The best thing? Lane stayed up to make sure I got some sleep.

Eh I'm.....still kinda tired and I just woke up like 30 minutes ago. I actually wish I could sleep longer but it's not that dark in here and I'm hungry. =/

I hope I didn't mess things up with her last night....We'll see.

Oh my goshhh

2010-07-05T00:22:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Summer Girls" by LFO

So it's the end of the fourth. I had a pretty decent time at my friend Ted's house. The fireworks were semi-decent. I saw at least three hearts in the downtown fireworks. Ted made a comment about my ring tonight that pissed me off. I spent most of tonight listening to either my iPod or Chris's. I mainly use Chris's for the radio. It's easy to forget with his, as his has music and radio.

=/

I shouldn't be complaining. I'm thankful for the iPod.

Still kinda pissed about Casey using my daughter against me again. You may know what sets me off, but do you know what calms me down? I bet you don't. You'd have no fucking clue all that calmed me down tonight.

I seriously wish I would have had my phone tonight, it would have been so much better. Although it would have died, like it did. So i had to ask for a ride. Seeing as I couldn't call my mother. It's cool though.

I'm actually really hyper and not at all drowsy like I should be.

I have... so fucking much on my mind, it's a little hard to think and type.

Plus this radio? It's playing good jams. So it's even harder to think. lololol.

I really have no purpose to this blog.

Ohhh. I forgot. Dawson's a meany pants because she didn't want to download skype.

Oh well.

I'll post this one when I get up in the morning.

While I'm listening to Alejandro... I guess I shall post a bit more about today.

Lane called, today. The first thing she said was really funny. It was about texting me being too slow. Or some shit. i can't rmemeber much at the moment. I'm under a vicodin haze and getting sleepy.

But i was nervous as fuckin hell sooooooo I rambled. A bunch. =/

But it was good to hear her voice.

And I wasn't lying when I said your voice is sexy Lane, because I really do like hearing your voice.

I'm hyper as fuck but it's fading fast into tiredness.

I should go and sleep

But I have wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too many thoughts going through my head right now.

Memories

2010-07-03T08:18:00.001-07:00

song Of The Moment: "One Step At A Time" by Four Year Strong

Listening to this song, I can sort of relate. It's about how one of the member's significant others died in November. I can't relate to the death but, November through about March or so is always a bad period for me. I really don't remember why, as I've perfected blocking out memories for this purpose. At the same time, I remember Thanksgiving was when Aunt Jackie died of a Heart Attack. After I had that nightmare. Sad part? I've only had it twice. Exactly the same. The second time, my grandpa died.

I'm actually trying to not forget certain things at the moment because they're important to me.

Oh and I'm starting to sort through the memories so that I can heal and deal with them, because soon it shall be time to remember all.

I"m not a young child anymore. I could give you a list of events that have happened in my life, but what would be the use? You'd be skeptical and call me a liar.

I have no idea what I meant to say next but I do know this, I fucking feel old in my mind with all the memories.

Midnight Storms

2010-06-27T23:39:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Hum Hallelujah" By Fall Out Boy

So lately all I've been doing is either school work or reading six billion secrets when I get home. I really haven't been home much because Chris and I have been going out a lot and getting home really late. We've been having so much fun.

Like last night, Akasha and Chris got me into a bikini.... I wouldn't come out because I have extreme stretch marks and fat. But I found a two piece that I want, if we go to Kings Island. As of right now, that's still up in the air because Chris doens't know what he wants to do anymore.

On another note, I talked to Nathaniel today. He barely paid attention, like always so the conversation sucked. He pissed me off but it's cool. I honestly don't care. Chris was being annoying and tickling me the entire time, and he scarped my leg and made me bleed. It's near the scar that I have from memorial day 5 years ago.

Speaking of which, the fourth of July is coming up. I don't know what I'm doing, but I think Chris and I are going downtown. I'm actually not for sure. I still want to go to Kings Island just to see what it's like.

On another subject, it stormed tonight. It's actually pretty cool outside at the moment. I'm about ready to go back out there to see if it's still lightning because earlier it was and it was so fucking pretty. Lightning storms always make me wish for a porch, whihc we have, and someone that's holding me from behind. Maybe one day soon.

Early Morning Rant

2010-06-26T10:56:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Walk Away From The Sun" by Seether

I honestly don't know which is my favorite line.

"I can bleed for a smile, could die for a gun. Walk Away from the sun and kill everyone"

or

"You're fading with every day"

There's more to the second one, but let's face it. I'm fuckin' pissy as hell and I really don't fuckin' care. The days are counting down until Chris leaves. I'm almost positive that I will not enjoy myself when we go to Kings Island, but I'll go I guess. I just have a bad feeling I'll regret it if I go. I go on these gut feelings, sometimes.

Fuck my life. Like for cereal? Mest's song "2000 Miles" just came on. Been singing the entire time. I'm so fucking annoyed lately that I won't let anyone touch me much. I really don't know why. Wait. If I think about it, I've been distant and annoyed since I told Chris. I MADE them promise not to hurt my mother. even though, she deserves it. I'm getting really pissy and annoyed again.

Oh and, I love how everyone's dropped outta my life. Thanks guys. Some "friends" you were.

Whatever.

I've lost count of the days. They're running together again. The rings still on and I swear to god that it's never going anywhere.
use this blog against me, whatever you may please.
I don't fucking care.
I made a promise, it'll be there til it breaks.

It's kinda funny that I've skipped like half of my iTunes this morning. I guess I'm being picky but I honestly don't want to listen to the sappy love songs or much of anything. I woke up to Basshunter. I don't remember what I woke up to at 6 in the morning. It's fine though. I just looked it up and it was "Tired Of You" by The Exies. Honestly? I wonder what I thought when I woke up to it. I don't remember nor care.

I wish I had a ride to Aimee's place. I'd fuck her up in a heartbeat at the moment. Thankyou bitch for fuckin' stealing my camera. It's not like you need it. LMAO. You sold it for drug money for your "lover". Please go and fuck off.

Thank You

2010-06-25T20:08:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "'Is This My Fate?" he Asked them" by Story Of The year

Today has been very eventful. I went downtown and had a blast the first time. The second time was even better. I got to see my friend Zakeya, whom I haven't seen since my birthday party(A month and a half ago). We had so much fun even if it was like only two hours. I really am tired and worn out at the moment.

But the whole point of this blog? To say that I've figured some shit out, not too happy about it but whatever. Maybe it'll be fixed, maybe it won't.

I still don't know where I stand on the whole Kings Island trip. I really don't want to meet Courtney, because I frankly don't like her. But she makes Chris happy and I want what's best for him.

I'm too vague and I realize this, as it's only for my recolection and not yours.

++xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx++

Song Of The Moment: "Breakdown" by Seether

I haven't heard from a friend in awhile. We just started talking again, after I had been listening to a Disturbed song. She's been out of it lately, and I can understand why. My days are mixing together with my nights again and it's getting annoying. Today was the first time I woke up at a decent time. As above, I went to the mall. I never once thought of her, seeing as my thoughts have been on you a lot lately. They'll pass with time, I'm sure.

I'm still upset with what I've figured out, but it's okay. I'll be fine.

Ending Song: "Thank You" by Hellyeah

Your Memory Will Never Be Forgotten

2010-06-24T09:58:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Don't Wake Me" by Skillet

So for the past two or three days I've been sleeping about 11 or 12 hours. I have no fucking clue why I'm sleeping so long, but I believe it's dreams I don't remember. I couldn't honestly tell you why, but it's getting annoying.

Anyways, Ariel and I have been talking over myspace. I sent her a message saying that I've been missing her lately and I have. I remember all the fun times in GSA or in Mrs. Jesse's class. I've actually been really out of it the last few days. My days seem to be running together and my memory isn't focused on the here and now, it's focused on the repressed memories. I don't know. I just really fuckin' miss Ariel and our long ass talks about anything and everything. Hopefully she'll download skype.

back to my internet, as I only have it for about a month longer then it's cut off. I need to get going on school work, but I'm sitting here playing games or trying to forget you by talking to people. The other thing I do a lot now? Hangout with Ted and Chris. I wish Ariel was in that list, as we'd prolly have a lot of fun. I miss her because she was a close friend, someone I rely on in tough times to get me through the tears and all the shit my mother does.

It's day three, the ring is still on. It's not leaving like I promised.

God, listening to Disturbed, makes me need to talk to Ariel. To just fucking ride away and forget everything. You, My mother, Casey....Just every-fucking-thing.

But In reality, I'd never forget you.

Divide

2010-06-22T21:43:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Heaven (Little By Little)" by Theory Of A Deadman

So today in groups, we tried to finish our collage. Was pretty awesome except Corrine just HAD to say something about me writing on my hands. I'm the oldest out of the group and sometimes it makes me feel... like I don't belong. I really don't. I'm the most outspoken person there. I'm way different then the middle schoolers that mainly make up the fuckin' group. It pisses me off that Corrine kinda stuck me in there, but I need it. But anyways, I drew this reall cool heart on my hand and I just had to take a picture of it. I have no reason why, except it was pretty awesome. So anyways, the phrase on my hand says I ♥ ?. When in reality the palm of my hand, really has the true phrase. I refuse to accept that anymore.

Lately, I've had the irresistable urge to cuddle and cuddling my friend Chris only makes it worse. He's longing for Courtney anyways and soon will be going home to her. I can't hate him for it, nor can I be mad at him because I understand it all too fuckin' well.

On another level before I get too deep into how I understand it all to well, I found the song that Ariel and I used to listen to as she drove me home. Fuck, I miss her like crazy. I used to confide in her so much, but so much has happened in the last fuckin' year that we were forced apart as really good friends. Listening to this song, makes me fuckin' miss GSA as well. I don't know what it's turned out to be now, but I fuckin' miss it. I also miss the random convos Ariel and I had. They were always amazing, if nothing but intelectual. I about cried when she told me Happy Mother's day. All I can fucking think about her is the drive home. Always fast in that red PT cruiser. Makes me remember things that only happened recenlty, that I swore I wouldn't forget. I will forget them. Because that is what is needed.

The ring remains, as it feels necessary. It won't leave the hand until it breaks, this I promise.

I keep switching back to the Disturbed song and failing to listen to the Seether song after it. Right now, I can see what everything is, for what it is. I don't want to see it that way, but I do.

My body is demanding to be cuddled by a person, but as I told Chris, I'll be ignoring the urges and SETTLING for something soon. I won't ever love anyone as much as I love you.

Ending Song: "Divide" by Disturbed ((Lovers You Ariel.))

Secret/Goodbye

2010-06-22T21:19:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Face To Face" by Sevendust

I basically pushed her to say goodbye, like we both needed.

Chris says that he wants to help, so badly.

But what he doesn't understand is that what happened, was needed.

I won't forget you, but I'll get over you.

Just like I'll get over everyone else.

++xx++xx++xx++xx++xx++xx++

Song Of The Moment: "On It" by Mindless Self Indlugence

Yes, this is two posts in one.

I formerly wrote a blog post about sixbillionsecrets.com and then saved it to my flash drive.

Maybe one day I'll post it on here because it was something that meant something to me.

Today, I've made two secrets.
One I'll never share and the one above this.

I'll wear the "ring" that I made until it breaks. I should just throw it away but, I feel that on another level I shouldn't.

Chris leaves soon. I''ll miss him, but he's going back to Courtney.

He feels like shit now that you've left.

I've tried to explain it the best that it's for the best but he still doesn't get it.

Maybe one day he will.

The last Few days

2010-06-22T08:07:00.001-07:00

Songs Of The Moment: "Take Me Back" Story Of The Year", "Broken(Live Version" by Seether, "Dream Girl" by Basshunter, "Bad Girlfrined" Theory Of A Deadman

So as I type this, I'm hella tired. Chris woke me up from my dream but I won't tell him that. I rarely dream anymore and sadly, it was about you. I don't remember the exact dream but I know it was about you. It's odd, I have that irresistable urge to cuddle now, and Chris just makes it worse.

I'm kinda ticked off at Teddy and will be for quite awhile. Even if he was joking, he knows that I won't ever like him. Know what he did? He asked for my hand in marrige then when I told him no, he kept begging and shit. Pissed me off. He was relentless and I have no idea why. At this point, I don't understand him because he knows my heart is somewhere else. It just pisses me off that he'd take it that fucking far. get over me and move on because you KNOW how I feel.

On a side note, the bracelet that Lane almost broke, is now breaking. It also keeps coming off and shit. It's quite annoying. I made it into a ring, so we'll see how long that lasts.

I guess I should somewhat try to recall the last night Lane, Chris, Ted and I hung out. It was a fucking blast, even if I was shitty and depressed half of the time because of memories that are returning. I don't really remember most of the conversations. Just that one serious one. Oh, and you know what else I remember? That kiss. Just like the first time that we hung out at my house alone, I remember snuggling. I also remember wrestling over the pillow I lay my head on every night. I remember so much and I don't want to forget. I won't ever forget now because this blog, helps me remember. I have a really bad memory and only remember odd facts, or if I try to remember I can remember more. I'm always good with addresses. Take me there once, I'll never forget the place or how to get there.

So last night I was crying, and you still don't know the main reason. Sorry about that, by the way. It's just too raw and emotional to tell you.

On a side note, I'm still tired and now ending this blog before I say too fuckin' much.

The Story

2010-06-19T06:11:00.001-07:00

Song: "Schizophrenic Conversations" by Staind

Let me take you back to the day where I should have lost all hope for humanity. Because it's been burned into my mind recently and I just can't fucking seem to get it out of my head. I was dating a verbally and mentally abusive guy. I couldn't seem to get away from him and he always made me feel like shit. Oh, don't forget he raped me and got me pregnant. Which left me to deal with him for a little over 6 or so months. I finally had to realize that the paranoia was way too much and that I didn't deserve everything that he said. He's said a lot of crap to me, but never found a way to contact me in the last six months because I've basically disappeared from my old life. Even though, I've recently decided to go back to my old habbits of helping the library, I know he won't find me. It's just a raw feeling. If he so does, his daughter is in better hands now, when really I don't view Iliana as his daughter anyways. He never helped, emotionally or financially. To think, that he slapped me that hard, over something so small, pisses me off. But he knew he was losing the hold that he had on me when I told him that I was leaving and that I had another. I should have left right then and there but then he comforted me and said he was sorry, That he didn't mean to do it. I remember the first thing he said when he came around and realized he had gotten me pregnant. "That's my baby. I'm going to fight for full custody and you'll never get to see her/him." Who in their right mind would ever keep a mother from her child? Appearently he would, because he thought I couldn't ever take care of a baby. Iliana's safe from his reach now, because I was too depressed and couldn't fully attach myself to her. I miss her, yes. But I know that I could never have been a mom because, let's face it. I'm not emotionally ready. I never was, even though I thought I was. I realize this now.

++This is my life, the ups, the downs, the heartache and love. All displayed out for you because I need to find some sort of release from the fucked up thoughts inside of my head.++

My LGMH

2010-06-17T22:58:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who I've only known for a month. The other day she came over and we cuddled. I've fallen in love with her a little bit each day after that. My mother? She wouldn't approve. I'm a girl. Lane, you and your secret love for me GMH

She'll eventually read this.
Oh well.
;P

random thoughts

2010-06-17T08:44:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "So Happy" by Theory Of A Deadman

++Nate++
Sorry to say, but I am happy that we're through. Like I said, we're better off as friends and I'm sticking to my decision this time.

++Her++
Her name will not be mentioned. because I've put her into a distant part of my mind, even though she's constantly on it. Corey Taylor is singing and it makes me wonder. About a lot.

++Me++
I'm so fuckin' selfish sometimes but that's why we learn from the shit we do. Last night, I fucking needed Kevin. But he's gone now, because we're both too selfish to fucking care.

Why are humans selfish? They want everything their way and they fail to realize there's two sides to every story. It takes so much patience to learn to not to be so fuckin' selfish. I have to be that way, if I'm EVER going to do anything in this damn fucking world.

Sometimes, I wish Chris wasn't here. Other times we have so much fun, it's like... nothing else matters. Before I continue, let me explain an important fact, he was in love with me, is not anymore and totally in love with Courtney. He knows that we're better off as friends and yes, he may hit on me to make me mad, but it's all in jest. But last night, I wanted to cry. I couldn't because I hate crying infront of people. I thought of so much last night.....

++Charles++
I thought of you last night, just saw the "I Love You" Bear and thought of you. You gave that to me, after someone else had given it to you. I swear to god that I didn't want it then, and I sure as hell don't want it now. You've put me through so much hell in the past three years. I wished last night that I could take it all back. That I could forget you, your family and all the things that we did together with them. You always said Kitty hated me, I didn't like her either. I pretended to because she's your step-ma. I fucking hate that bitch with a fucking passion. And now that I think about it, I hate you. You knew I liked you, you'd do shit to piss me off and hurt me then ignore me for a good thre weeks and then randomly want a fucking hug. I used to find so much comfort in those hugs, but now I rather have lived without them.

++Kevin++
I'm not sorry for what I said, nor am I mad about what you did. Well, I guess I am because it only proves you were toying with me the entire time. But that's what you do, right? Toy with others until they're so broken down that all they can do is cry and hurt from the pain. I fucking hate you. I really do.

++Me++
I'm tired of finding songs that remind me of certain people. I don't want to think about the memories, or anything. The mental image that just popped up in my head is one I can't forget. One I hate to remember. Sometimes, I'm glad I don't dream. I'd hate to run into Raymond again. I don't know what I'd do. But I hate him for what he did. You didn't have to fucking slap me so hard that I was crying did you? You didn't have to put me down every time that I saw you, did you? You're almost like Charles....except worse.

"All we need is a reason, all we need is right here inside us" Story Of the year's "The Antidote"

Herrrr

2010-06-16T20:20:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Taste The Poison" by Story Of The Year

I'm tired as hell and thirty minutes isn't enough, but I'll manage. I hope Nate comes home soon, I've been meaning to tell him for days. Tell him what? That I don't think that we should date. That we're better off as friends. Maybe it'd be better if he wasn't in my life at all because he lets me down a lot. Maybe I'm too needy or whatever but I'm doing it.

++Lane++

So the rest of the blog is going to be about what's on my mind. About her. Because I need to get it out before it's gone. So I have it forever.

I know I messed up with her, and god, I'm sorry for that. I'd give anything to see you smile.

I've said I've loved before...but I've never stayed up an entire night because I had someone on my mind. I will soon have to take a pain pill to knock myself out because I cannot fall asleep. Or if I do, she's the first thing I think about. But like I said, I messed it up.

I really don't know. I'm fuckin' scared shitless really. I need more sleep, but I'm worried about her.

The one thing I don't want? For her to hurt.

I've felt that way too much in my life and I should know better to push her but sometimes I don't think. Like tonight, when I was with Ted and Chris. I fucking CRIED. Ted told me a bunch of things tonight and I can see his point.

The thing that stood out the most? The fact that she's afraid of the distance.
I. fucking. Get. That.
Because I am too.
But if there's a way, it'll work.
I have hope.
Even when I told you I had lost it all.

++I didn't expect to find something so fragile and beautiful, ever.++

Last Night

2010-06-16T11:39:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Angel In The Night" by Basshunter

I don't know where to start anymore. Please save me. I was up all night, thinking about Lane. She's leaving on Sunday to go back to California. There's too much going through my head at the present moment and I'm tired as fuck.

[1:38:07 AM] Lane: i'm going to tell you something that i've been thinking
[1:38:14 AM] Lane: i todl you i didn't want to be in a relationship with you
[1:38:15 AM] Lane: but the ONLY reason
[1:38:20 AM] Lane: is because the distance
[1:38:20 AM] Lane: otherwise
[1:38:30 AM] Lane: i would give myself to you hands down

I never want to lose that part of the convo.
Ever.

[1:28:53 PM] Ted J. Carman Jr.: when you cant stop thinkin about someone and you think about it all night where you stay up all night then that is love sweetheart that is love. so all you can do is haaave hope

Ted, Thank you so much.
(:

I may go and pass out now.
I really don't know.

Lately

2010-06-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Touch Me (Gummibar)" by Gummibar

I think it's funny how people just drop out of your life for no absolute reason. Whatever, chicka. I don't give a damn.

There's a lot happening at the current moment, I just don't know if I have the energy to type it all out.

My guess is that she's jealous that I'm dating Nate. Sorry chicka, I don't fucking care what you think. MMKAY? You don't know him or me. So I'm glad you're gone. (:

I don 't know, I'm missing Nathaniel and I'm pissed. Whatever. I'll hear from him later tonight.

He's so cute. He called at 5:40 this morning just because he missed my call. (:

We're extremely good. As always.

-5/19/10-

Early morning phone calls

2010-05-30T16:23:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Savin' Me" by Nickelback

This weekend has been nothing but sleep, I swear. It's been quite interesting too because Nathaniel went camping this weekend. I guess his ex, Maria was trying to get me pissed and him pissed as well. I honestly don't give two fucks about her but I know she hurt my Nathaniel so it's hard not to hate her a little bit more.

Speaking of Nathaniel, he called me this morning at 3 in the morning. After the day I had had, it was more than a welcome call. He made the day/night for me more then he realizes. I always enjoy our late night talks, as we started them soon after Iliana was born. The total time of all the calls? A little over two and a half hours. I didn't go to sleep til after 6 in the morning. I'm not complainng because I'd do it all over again. Just so I could talk to my bby who is camping.

I love you Nathaniel.

-5/19/10-

To Nathaniel, I love you.

2010-05-26T20:13:00.001-07:00

Nathaniel,

There are so many reasons why I love you. I came up with a list of why I love you, so that you can see and I can remember them because we both know how my memory is.

-You've always been there for me, through all the fights with my mother, through all the stupid and hurtful boyfriends, just through everything. I know you weren't there for the birth of Iliana and that was my fault. It was because I was a jealous fool.

-You can always make me smile, no matter if I'm in the middle of a severe bout of depression or not. Like tonight, when you were pulling on Miranda's hair to get her to scream and being like brother and sister that really made me smile.

-I can tell you anything, even if I'm too shy to say it over the phone I can tell you over skype and know you will not judge me or hold it against me. Just like I know you don't hold me getting really pissy and hanging up on you five million times because I'm depressed or hurt or annoyed.

-I love how easily we can talk to eachother. It's like it feels natural. It's always been that way, it seems.

It really is hard to pinpoint certain things that I aboslutely love about you, because I love everything about you. I had a better list last night when I was lying in bed, but I always have a better way of saying things when I'm in bed about to go to sleep.

I love you Nathaniel. I truely do.

Songs Of the Moment: "Thinking About Forever" by P.O.D., "We Believe" by Good Charlotte, "All I Want" by Staind

Feelings

2010-05-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Bullshit" by Mindless Self Indulgence

So I woke up this morning feeling like something was missing. Like something wasn't right and something bad is happening/will happen. Hopefully it's just my nerves.

Since I'm fully awake now, I can remember what I was really going to put.
Strange isn't it?

New Friends

2010-05-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "The Click" by Good Charlotte

So the last two days have been amazing, and at times depressing. I've made a few new friends and they're pretty awesome. (Sarah, Lane, Tisheena and Ski) My skype nights are ALWAYS fun now, even if Nathaniel's not home. I have a slight feeling that we may break up soon but I don't know.

Thursday is Mall day with Casey and it'll be fun. Hopefully Zakeya and Shelby can make it. If not, then...oh well.

Tonight my mother, I and her boyfriend had a huge fight which caused an anxiety attack wasn't really fun and I'm still trying to calm down from it.

What's the best part of tonight? Skyping with the new friends. (:
Eventually my mother will be gone and I can join in on a convo...or two.
lol.

<3333333333333333

If You only knew.

2010-05-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned

Song Of The Moment: "If you Only Knew" by Shinedown

Can we take back the past?

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

I miss you. So much. You have no fucking clue. And I'm not even high on vicodin. But I will be. Just to forget because it's what I have to do just to forget you, Kevin. I love you. I can't forget you. Ever. Even when I know you want me to.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

I need to set you free from my heart. Make it easier on me. Can you tell me how to do that? Because you've done it so easily. It's like I'm shit to you now. I care too much, is what it is.

One By One

2010-05-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Wake Up" by Story of the Year

I don't know why I'm trying to be in a relationship, when I know I'm not ready for one. Maybe it's just my emotions fucking with my head but I know there's a lot I have to work out. I just don't want him to hate me, because he is one of my best friends. He is also my boyfriend and I feel I'm too damn insecure for him, for anyone. There's just too much that time cannot erase and the damage Kevin left is something of great measures.

Crying

2010-05-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Song Of The moment: "Supadupafly" by 666

So it seems I have her address now. (: Makes things easier.

But anyways, I'm tired as shit...not really just hungry. I cried a lot last night, I seem to be doing that a lot. I hope he understands. ♥

-5/19/10-

Depression

2010-05-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Don't Do" André Visor

So, I'm really depressed....I feel like a failure. Whatever. I just can't do it anymore it seems. Maybe I should go press my cheek to his card again...maybe it'll make me feel better like it just did. Hopefully I don't cry....

-5/19/10-

Vicodin

2010-05-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "The Antidote" by Story Of The Year

I'm so damn tired. Why? Because they have me on vicodin. I can't sleep though. I've tried. I don't know why I can't. I'd love to. I might go and try to sleep on my ma's bed. I just don't know....

-5/19/10-

Angry

2010-05-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "I Like dirt" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

I'm so damn tired. I didn't sleep good last night seeing as I WAS pissed after my party. People saying shit about who I'm dating. It's my damn relationship, stay out of it, please?

Ohhhhhh. On top of that, Mike had to call me a fucking liar. Uhm. Did you even find out shit before you got mad at me? No. We weren't dating when I told you he was a very good friend. But it's okay. I wouldn't be your girl anyways. You just HAD to call me a slut and a whore, now didn't you? On top of that you called me a liar. FUCK YOU. You can stay in Woodstock in your pathetic little life of a person who always seems to fuck up. I wouldn't date you anyways, just for your info.

Sooooo my birthday was AMAZING. My party was great. Then today we find out that Aime'e stole Iliana's money. WTF? Seriously? She's so...fucking low. Like really.

Anywayssss, I need to stop being angry and post a blog about Nathaniel. (:

-5/19/10-

(:

2010-05-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

He Said Yes. (:

-5/19/10-

Birthday

2010-05-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Becoming Insane" by Infected Mushroom

So today is my BIRTHDAY. We bought a cake, pop and icing to decorate the cake! I'm becoming extremely excited.

My old math teacher, Mrs. Carmon stopped by to bring Iliana some clothes. I explained to her what was going on and she understands. We sat here for about an hour and a half talking about everything and anything. She also brought me a box of cupcakes. (:

My party is tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

Nate's sending me a birthday card too...
I'll blog about him later. (:

becoming Insane

2010-05-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Becoming Insane" by Infected Mushroom

She admitted that she stole my stuff.

I'm pissed about it.

My birthday's tomorrow.

Party's on thursday.

Looking forward to it.

Oh yeah. Should be awesome. (:

Iliana

2010-05-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Iliana soon after she was born.

Iliana before she left the hospital

Iliana sleeping.

Fuck you, you dumb little cunt.

2010-05-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Bullet With A Name" by Nonpoint

I fucking hate her, I swear. It's bad enough that you took my iPod but did you HAVE to take my camera too? That had my baby on it. My beautiful baby. Whatever bitch. I fucking hate your guts. I seriously hope your dumb ass ex gets shot or never comes back to you. You don't deserve shit if you're going to steal my shit. My memories and life. I don't even want a birthday party because of you. I just can't do shit. All your old friends from tech hate you now, btw. At least the people you cared about. Casey and Zakeya hate your guts too.

Casey wanted to cuss you mom out but didn't. I'll be fine, but the memories are gone. I miss my baby.

Stolen

2010-05-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "World So Cold" by Three Days Grace

So my iPod got stolen. Stupid little bitch Aime'e stole it. But it's okay. I'm getting a new 16GB blue iPod. (:

Mom's Boyfriend

2010-05-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "At Least I'm Known For Something" by New Found Glory

So a lot has happened in the last 24 hours. I don't know if I really have the energy or time to type it all out.

Casey, Aime'e and I had so much fun yesterday. But this morning I wake up to my mother HOVERING over me. What does she want? The phone. Like, couldn't you have WAITED for a little bit so I could get some more sleep? I went to sleep at 5:00 this morning. Like I really want to be woken up at 8:30? No. Her boyfriend uses the phone and talks LOUDLY waking me up. I get pissed because it's 8:30 in the morning. Can't you be respectful and see that PEOPLE are sleeping? No. He can't. Because he's a rude ass motherfucker. I hate him. So much.

Cat killed a bird

2010-05-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Camilla" by Basshunter

Today was frikken awesome, just to say the least. Casey came over and so did Aime'e. We played DDR and then went to the library and then went to burger king for dinner. There was just a lot of fun times... Like this one time where this cat came outta no where and killed this bird....He was a cute kitty. There's not much I can write because I'm upset. I miss the angel.....

Memories

2010-05-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Take Me back" by Story Of The Year

It's about to storm and it's nice. It makes me miss the old days, where I had someone to cuddle with. It makes me miss all the old friends I had. There's a lot that I've lost in just a short time, and I wish I could have it back but maybe it'd be better if I didn't have it at all.

I don't know how things will go with Mike(Different then Michael) today. He doesn't get out for awhile. God how I miss Woodstock. I don't miss the people, but I miss the school days. 8:20 to 3:15? Yes please. Anyday over 7:30. I can say one thing, I don't miss the old apartments. There was so much SHIT that went on in Woodstock, I'm surprised I miss it at all.

Like how Amanda got jealous because Kevin dated me. So what? He didn't want you, deal with it. I mean, I miss some of the times Kevin and I had, I just wish that he'd talk to me. It'd hard to remember a lot of the things that happened back then, but I remember Kevin. I remember the stress due to Amanda. I don't remember much else.

I don't know, I planned on a long post but I don't think that it will be a long post. It's fine though.

Birthday?

2010-05-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Say Goodbye" by Theory Of A Deadman

So I guess Michael doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I really don't know what's going on with him anymore. Casey and I have reached a point where he can't take back anything he says and he doesn't want me in his life, so I feel as if he lied to me. The entire time we've been close. Oh well.

On a side note, my birthday is coming up soon. Zakeya and Josh are coming over. YEY for party! Shall be fun, I guess. xD

Awesome!

2010-05-13T09:34:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Price To Pay"

Either ips unblocked blogger, or the https (Secure server) works. We'll figure it out in a minute.
XD

Life

2010-05-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Because The Night" by Cascada
So it's amazing. I come to the library for once in like a couple of weeks just to sit on the computer and get away from my ma's boyfriend(Who happens to be staying at our house). Guess who the fuck I see? Chris. The dude that conned Raymond out of money. (: I shouldn't be happy over that, because it's not right but for all that motherfucker(Raymond) put me through it feels good.

My phone's vibrating, reminding me that I have two texts and honestly, I just don't care at the moment. I wouldn't care who the fuck they're from because it seems like I'm losing everybody and gaining nothing from it. That's okay. You prove me right everytime you lie.

Casey thinks it's funny to lie straight up to my face? Well that's okay too. DON'T say you need friend support to help you get through this and then get close to me. You wanna decide to "not let anyone in" then don't. But we all know that's just a ploy to say "I don't give a fuck about you". In my eyes, you helped push the angel away. But it's whatever.

I have an old friend that wants to date me... I don't know. It's been so long since I've talked to him and his phone's off at the moment. Once it's back on, we'll have to see where it goes from there. Because yesterday, I found myself thinking about what happened.

There's just so much to do nowadays that I just don't know where to start. Life's a confusing mess and I absolutely hate it. (:

To various People

2010-05-10T18:21:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "The Antidote" by Story Of the Year

I was going to write a letter to Robin, telling her how stupid she is for not even giving me a damn chance to explain things, but then I thought "I really don't give two fucks about you". I honestly dislike a lot of people, and I could care less about fake people. This is blog will be short messages to people.

To Robin;;You hate me, I'm glad. You don't fucking understand. Please grow up and get a life instead of stalking me on facebook.

To Chris D;;FUCK YOU!. You are soooo fake. And you still owe me a dollar. That you stole from me. Pay up, bitch.

To C;;I don't know what your problem is, but you need an angel to help you. I won't be that angel after you flipped out on me.

To Shaquille;;You're pretty cool. (: Let's hope we stay friends and you work things out with Blakey. (:

To Michael;;There's...so much I have to say to you. At the moment, I'm annoyed with you because you're fading away into someone I knew and not being someone I know. You've been distant ever since you got the girlfriend, which I honestly don't care about. It's whatever I guess.

To Nate;;I'm sorry for getting mad that you're NEVER around. You have a life too...

To The Angel;;I love you. I always will. But it's time to stop wishing I could change things. Because I can't. I hope you have a nice life...in whatever you choose. I hope you get away from your mother. I hope you start a new life in which you're extremely happy. Because you deserve so much more and I'm sorry I put you through all the shit I have. I love you always, my angel.

To Niki;;It's whatever. You talk shit about me anyways, you always talk shit about EVERY one and you wonder why you're so alone? Grow the fuck up. (:

To Casey;;♥ Iliana will be safe sweetheart.

Is that all?
Or do i have more to say to more people?
I always have something to say, but I'm so quiet.
The Angel's always in my mind.
No matter how hard I try and forget him....

It's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do

Random

2010-05-09T12:37:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Lost in You' by Three Days Grace

I'm sick, oh joy. On top of that, I have the need to cuddle. I'm tired of my spine tingling because I need to be held, or my neck itching because it needs to be bitten. It's extremely annoying. It's not like it's going to happen any time soon anyways.

Oh well.

I forgot what I was really going to blog about.
xD

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. (xD)

2010-05-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Predictable" by Good Charlotte

I miss you.
It'll get better right?

The River

2010-05-07T13:55:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "The River Featuring M. Shadows and Synyster Gates" by Good Charlotte

So there's been a lot that's been going on recently, it just kind of sucks. I've had four anxiety attacks in three days. One, where I couldn't take care of my child because I was hyperventilating and crying. It took forever to calm down, it seems like. I honestly don't want to go into detail on why. I don't want to have to...relive that.

I've finally decided to give Iliana up for adoption. In my opinion, no teenager is ready to have a child. I don't see how the teens manage today, but maybe it's just me. I have a lot of support, when I thought I wouldn't have any. I thank the people who are there for me and I honestly don't care about the people who want to criticize me.

This blog is going to be short, because I'm too...worked up already.

Let You Down

2010-05-06T10:47:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Broken Down" by Sevendust

I have only listened to Sevendust and P.O.D. for about a little over 12 hours. I don't know what this playlist is doing for me, but I know it's making me think. Think about everything, with Casey, with Kevin, with Chris.

I'm not ready to date, but Chris wants to. I have to find some way to tell him... Or maybe it's just him? I honestly think right now that I don't want to date...anyone. I'm wayyyyy too stressed and annoyed as of lately. I lost my best friend, my angel and I'm going to lose Iliana soon. I need the warmth of a human and the beating of a heart next to me, but I need to deal with all this before I can get this.

Like I said, I need a fresh new person to get to know. I need a whole set of them, because the future is so...cloudy that I just don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I honestly wish I knew.

I'm going to end up crying soon, so I'm going to stop blogging............

My Father

2010-05-06T06:13:00.001-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Thinking About Forever" by P.O.D.

So Casey's cut me off completely. Makes me wonder if these last few months were really worth it. He says I'm like a sister to him, but he contradicts himself in so many ways, so I honestly don't think I am. I wish I could say that I didn't regret giving him Kevin's number. I do regret it, almost everyday. He just doesn't understand, neither does Chris. I so need someone new and fresh. Someone who's never been around, or been through some of my hurt.

There's a lot of things that I wish for. Some are extremely selfish, others are hardly anything but.

I forgot to mention the shit that's happening with my dad and his girlfriend. So I call just to find out if he came by the old place....he did. After we moved. Which was kind of funny. I couldn't talk to him at the time that he called. So I called him back and he had gone "fishing". It was funny because his girlfriend ended up saying I have to let them see the baby. I don't have to do anything. So she said "Don't go there bitch" and hung up. So I called back and was like "Don't EVER call me a bitch, you're the bitch". There were other words said, sadly I don't remember a lot of them. Her daughter threatened to kicked the living shit out of me, told me she felt sorry for Iliana. It's whatever. Then sadly, she couldn't leave it alone. His girlfriend that is. She had to call her son and they were going to play a prank on me to get my new address. I have it all in my voicemail still. It's really funny, because I had dropped it and forgotten about it. They just can't let go of a simple fact that they can't make me do anything. My father doesn't have custody over me, nor will he ever. I wouldn't want him to, because of the simple fact that he doesn't even know HOW to be a father.

I'm going to stop ranting about my father and his girlfriend.

I'm going to go read and think, because that's what I'm going to do all day. That and realize, I don't have anyone there for me throughout the day anymore....

It's blocked?

2010-05-05T18:54:00.001-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Thinking About Forever" by P.O.D.

I go through a ton of abuse, but somehow, I manage through it.

To Kevin;;I've been thinking a lot lately and yeah, I miss you but you're better off with out me. You can't handle all the insecurities that I have, which is fine. I love you but it's been time to let you go. It's been time. There's a lot on my mind, and I wish I could sit down and talk about it with you. I'm not sorry I pushed you away, but you didn't have to say the things you did. I hope eventually you find someone who's better than me.

To Casey;;I'm sorry I pushed you away but neither of us can handle this friendship right now. You didn't have to brag about Kevin. You could have kept it to yourself, but I've stopped holding that against you. You deserve so much, we both do. I'm sorry about Iliana but it's what's best for her. You wouldn't understand. You weren't raped, then continully abused afterwards. It's the emotional attachment and it will never be there. So I'm sorry. Maybe one day you'll forgive me.

To Michael;;You're probably one of the greatest people I've met. I may get agitated with you over little stuff but please keep in mind that I have a lot on my plate to deal with. I really do like the times we talk as it relieves all that stress and I can forget about it. There may be a lot that you don't know. It may only be a week and some days, but you're a good person and I'd like you stay around, as my friend.

To Chris;;There's a lot to say to you. I'll save it for later.

To Ian;;I don't hate you for what you said. Nor do I care about what you said. You want to get over Ashley, then do it. Either that, or love her and TREAT HER RIGHT. That's all I have to say to you.

To Miranda;;You're a big fat fucking liar. We may not talk, but I hate you. You have no reason to use Ashley just to get to Ian. I don't think you were ever into girls. Which is pathetic. It's exactly what I think of you. I could say more, but what's the point?

There's a lot more that I could say, to each individual. But I won't. You can ask me why later. Or you can not ask me at all. I honestly don't give two fucks anymore. This is my life, and I'll live it how I want to.

Meh

2010-05-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "The Past" by Sevendust

I've been listening to nothing but Sevendust lately. I'm completely drained of emotion, really.

I hate myself. It shows.

I miss you. I need you.

You don't care.

Thanks a lot for that lie.

That you wouldn't leave.

Losing My Sanity

2010-05-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Determined" by Mudvayne
So I called Charles to wish him a happy birthday. Whatever. I wish I hadn't. I deleted his number, it was only in there... for various reasons which now have been met. I'm honestly too depressed for this right now.... I just don't know anymore.... Whatever. I'm losing that new friend, I can feel it. I'm losing Casey to his depression... It's okay, I guess.....

Meh?

2010-05-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "home" by Staind

I wonder about somethings a lot of the time. Some of the things I think about, scare the living crap out of me. My hopes and dreams CONSTANTLY change. I have no direction with my life and it's scary. I miss the way things used to be, but then again I don't. I was really depressed and it seemed nothing would make me happy. Now that I'm happy, I'm wondering if I'll stay there or will the thoughts drag me down again....

Reliving Memories

2010-05-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney

So I looked up horoscope stuff at 5:30 in the morning. Why? I couldn't fucking sleep. It's a new place and what not. So I'm extremely tired and I have a full day ahead of me too. I don't know what I expect anymore. Out of anyone really. I have my friends, sure. But are they really here to stay? Blakey's happy with his new friend that he so wants to date. Which is good because he needs that happiness. I wish Casey could find that happiness, but until he realizes that he brings himself down, he won't be happy. My sadness over people used to bring me down, I always wanted to date someone and I let it affect me. It's not right now. I'm in a state of contentment even after I read what I read this morning. Does it bother me? No. Because whatever happens, will happen.

I remember I time I tried to apply this to Kevin and I. It didn't work so well. He's the one who ultimately fucked up the whole thing, in both situations. I wish it didn't bother me so much, but it sucks that I lost that friend I had in him. Whatever he does with his life, I hope it's what makes him happy because he has flirting problems. He loves to lead people on, get them to fall for him and then leave them. I wish I could see through his bullshit when we talk, but I can't. I really don't think I have an ounce of love left for the boy after what he did recently. I shouldn't have forgiven him after the messy break-up we had back in the summer before freshman year.

So today is Charles's 19th birthday. I wish I could hang out with him today, it'd be fun. Even if we aren't dating, I'd love to show him I can be happy. The same with Kevin. But mainly, I'd like Charles to see Iliana. Maybe I'll give him a call soon, who knows? I miss the laughs though, even if he got on my nerves a lot of the time.

There's a lot that I miss from my past, but there's a lot I look forward to. I have the bad memories and the good, but I try to only think of the good now. The bad memories always drag me down into that place where I'm constantly depressed. Iliana doesn't need a sad mother. she needs a happy one. :)

Moving Day

2010-05-01T17:38:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Rebirthing" by Skillet

So it's moving day... Why did it suck so much? I was...depressed most of the day, constantly tired and hungry but at least I took my meds today. I'm still really tired and Ili's coming back tomorrow. There's a lot to do tomorrow but I really hope to try and hang out with Michael. Maybe this weekend wouldn't be best after all but.....

I guess I just have a fear of him meeting Iliana I suppose. It's not that he's bad, its just she's met so many people already and she's only two months. She loves people though. Maybe it's a just a personal fear, seeing as how I like him and I expect him to leave. Well, I fear he'll leave and I'll be missing that great friend I have in him. It really seems like I've known him for a lot longer than a week, but it's only been a week.....

Odd

2010-04-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Camilla" by Basshunter

Guess what? The sun is shining.... It keeps going in and out... but it's giving me hope. I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I say that a lot when I'm in my depression/tired state. I'm in that state only because of my doubts. Hopefully they'll be...cleared soon. If not, then it's whatever. I need to stop worrying about little things that I can not control. :)

Feelings

2010-04-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Falling" by Staind

So Yeah. Casey and I were talking last night, and I suppose we both came to the conclusion that Kevin really doesn't deserve a lot of the shit he goes through. He hurt me first, by trying to get with Casey. I really shouldn't have stayed as long as I did, and honestly, I don't know why I did. Appearently some guy made him feel like shit and worthless. hey, sound familiar? He made me feel like that all the damn time and still came out as the righteous one. Whatever. You may not deserve it, but you're horrible. Just like all the rest of them. I was doubting things last night because I had texted Tyler. Appearently his phone had gotten taken away, for what reason I do not know nor do I honestly care. He's had all week to explain that even if I did jump to conclusions. But do I believe him? No. He didn't recognize my number. He was done with me after Friday, he just didn't want to admit it. But anyways. Casey and I talked about Tyler too. On how I really didn't care that I had messed things up with him, you know? I really didn't want him that much. I still don't. He's...done so much stupid shit to make me not trust him, I don't know why I said yes. I guess I'm just a sucker. Well I'm done with him after last night and after I've thought about every little detail.

I'm still left with doubt though, about Michael. It's honestly getting harder each day to not want to date him. At the moment, my doubts are taking over so it's like...I want to stay away but I want to talk to him. We've been talking for awhile now. It seems like longer than it really has been. Saturday it'll be a week. Hopefully Sunday will be happening...even if it's raining. The mall should be fun, but I'd rather do it today because it's nice out. Oh well. We'll see tonight.

On Another note, tomorrow is moving day...Oh great. Hopefully I'll have my computer up and running by tomorrow night. Then it's the fun task of organizing and getting the place ready for Iliana to come home.

My birthday is in 20 days and I really want to get my hair done beforehand. I'm getting blonde highlights in it again. Should be pretty awesome! This is along with a haircut that I so desperately need. I really miss my blond... It's been forever since I've had it. I only have a little bit of it left.If I had the money, I'd get green in it. :) but alas, I don't.

Secrets. xD

2010-04-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Satellite" by P.O.D.

So I'm thinking about keep a post of all the secrets.... But I'm not for sure. I already forgot secret three.well...Technically it'd be secret four. I'm going to start keeping track for my own person reference, even if I remember most of them. xD

Secret One: I like Him.
Secret Two: I'm falling for him.
Secret Three: I'm afraid of where things are going so I'm hesitant.
Secret Four: I'm pretty sure it's along the same lines of secret three. xD

Updated when there's more secrets to post.
XD

Chance

2010-04-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Camilla" By Basshunter

Life Starts Right Again. I think I'll take that chance if offered it.

So Tired..

2010-04-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "True" by Ryan Cabrera

It seems like my head is going explode again. I don't know why I have this huge headache and the urge to want to lay down. I really am tired. Maybe I should go lay down...or fix dinner. Now there's an idea. I can always blog later. :)

Cherry Pie?

2010-04-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

Song of The Moment: "I can Walk On Water" by Basshunter

I'm fucking sick...With a cold. I don't fucking feel good. I think I've been running a fever. I should lay down and get some sleep... Knowing me, I won't. And knowing me, I'll stay up late again tonight talking to Michael. Amongst other people. Casey's jealous of Michael, not because Casey wants to date me(lol. He's gay) but because Michael makes me smile a lot and that makes me happy. Casey's tried time and time again to do exactly what Michael is doing but it seems like he can't. So he feels like he can't help. I know how that goes, I can't make him happy.

On that same note, I finally told Casey about Michael and why I've been happy a lot lately... Seeing as he called me and asked "what the hell are you laughing about" because I kept laughing on the phone. He was walking home. He's happy that I have a friend that can generally make me smile. But trust him to say "maybe you two should date if you guys have so much in common." That's where I'm going to end this blog. Because i don't want to go into it. :)

=/

2010-04-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Take My Hand" By Simple Plan

Fuckkkkk. I'm crying. Or really close to it... I hate it. I hate that I want a warm person next to me. I don't want to want to be loved. I don't want to feel the things I feel, day in and day out. I want something real but I'm way too afraid. You wanna know something? I expect tonight to be the end of another friendship... I guess it'll be okay. It's whatever, I guess.

iPod

2010-04-27T14:23:00.001-07:00

My iPod isn't being fair so there's no song of the moment...
Grrrrr.
This is a post about absolutely nothing of importance.
xD

Lots of Subjects.

2010-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "We Don't Care Anymore" by Story Of the Year

I've been putting this off for awhile, it seems. I honestly don't know what I want to say about things, just know I need to let them out. But you know, if I let them out I have a feeling that they won't be real. Irrational and paranoid me...

Despite all that's happened since Friday, I'm actually quite happy. I honestly couldn't care less about Ian saying that he still feels like I should go die and my daughter would be better off without me. I mean, it pisses me off that he thinks he knows whats best for my daughter, but he's a stupid boy. Does it mean I forgive him? No. I just don't give a fuck what he thinks because he's unimportant.

I guess Casey and I aren't as close anymore, because we're both hiding shit from each other but like I said above, I don't want it all to go to hell so I'm trying to keep it out of my mind and let it take it's course. I'm just kind of cautious anyways. I honestly don't want to have a repeat of Friday-Sunday again.

So I guess I should mention my new friend? Well, he's pretty cool. We have a lot in common surprisingly. This is besides the same taste in music, which is a large variety. There's about a hundred little things that matter to me, that he likes as well. Well, a hundred is over-exaggerating, but you get the point.

Back to Casey, I guess he's giving up on love. I guess I kinda have too. I'm not really looking to date just because of the past that I have. It's kind of, scared me off of guys. The girls I've liked/like, I can't date because of my mother. She doesn't approve of gay or bi people. So it's just kind of pointless. Yes, I suppose I do like someone at the moment but like I said, not really looking to date just because I'm too afraid and insecure.

Ending Song: "Away From Me" by Puddle Of Mudd

Go Away...

2010-04-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Your God" by Stone Sour

I almost put Slipknot. I'm mad at myself for that.
I really don't know what I want anymore.
It's just extremely scary to fail.
Whatever.
I'll be fine...

Weary...

2010-04-26T07:18:00.000-07:00

Song Of the Moment: "Hope" by Sevendust

I had intended this to be a long blog post...but I'm extremely tired. And lonely. I don't know why. We'll see where today leads....And go from there, I suppose.

FUCK you Kevin Bozeman

2010-04-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Seasons" By Good Charlotte

My thoughts are...running again. But it's another blog post about Kevin. Reflection, I suppose. I've been thinking about sending him a very long text, but what's the use? Just so he knows I hate him? Kind of pointless, really. It's okay, because I honestly don't care if he knows. It's not like it matters anyways. The love that was there? Faded away when I realized how horrible he is. I'd say he's worse than Charles. But he'd never admit it. Just like he won't admit to jealousy or a lot of things. He's done playing mind games with me, and wanting me to die just for his own sick twisted mind. I'm done caring for the boy. This is my final goodbye to him. And he'll never read it. But it doesn't bother me. :)

new friend?

2010-04-25T03:10:00.000-07:00

Song of the moment: "everything Changes" by Staind

So, Kevin's an ass. He's stupid for what he left. And for what he did.... I don't expect his forgiveness nor do I forgive him....
It's whatever though.
I've got no time to waste thinking about him and wishing he'd come back, if only to say he's sorry.
Casey'll get his second chance with Christian. Casey seriously loves Christian.... And i remember a time when Kevin loved me as much...just recently too. It's whatever though.

On to a new topic...
I randomly added someone on facebook. (He's friends with a friend of mine...and LOVES music...xD)
He's pretty cool. We had an interesting conversation. Both times we've talked.
I hope this is a friendship that'll be good.
I could use a few smiles....And I had a lot tonight.

I might go and change my persona soon. I'm quite bored of it, to be quite honest.....
=/

Looking back, I miss Kevin. But I don't ever want to talk to him again. I hate him for what he's done. How broken he's made me....again. I don't believe in love anymore. I have no false hopes anymore. I need to go to bed so i can sleep off this vicodin that i took because of the storm. I'll write more....sometime soon. xD

stupid people

2010-04-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: " "Is this my fate?" He Asked Them" By Story Of The Year

This is to all you biggots out there, please go die. You are completely stupid and highly ignorant.
I love the above song. Just because you're a male or female that likes the same gender doesn't mean that you're going to hell. To be quite honest you have to ask yourself, does god really exist. You don't chose who you like or who you love. So based on that statement, to like girls or guys is something that you don't choose. I shall now post the lyrics. Because I absolutely love the song.

Story Of The Year's "Is This My Fate? He Asked Them" Lyrics

Do you really fucking think
That it's a choice, a way of life
Played by discrimination
You're narrow-minded, quick to judge
With bible belt tunnel vision

This is ignorance
Failure to evolve
Is failure to us all
When will you learn
That this is where we fall
Failure to evolve
Is failure to us all
When will you learn
That this is where we fall
WHERE WE FALL

"Is this my fate!?" he asked them
They answered, condemning him to burn
Rejected, forsaken, for being fucking born
I can't believe that this is still a question
That needs an answer
A bigot's eyes
Judging lives based on the sex of who you fuck

This is ignorance
Failure to evolve
Is failure to us all
When will you learn
That this is where we fall
Failure to evolve
Is failure to us all
When will you learn
That is where we fall
WHERE WE FALL

BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN
Justice, condemned to burn
BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN
Justice, condemned to burn

WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!?
WILL YOU LEARN!?
WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!?

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

An old friend

2010-04-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Now You're Gone" by Basshunter and "Think Twice" by Eve 6

I was texting Taylor last night. I haven't talked to him much since Prom(May of last year). He's in Woodstock for crying out loud. And I'm in Indy. ><
Anyways, he was like "this is kinda out of the blue" And I was like "everything is out of the blue"
I don't know why he wanted to know my plans. It's not like they matter that much anyways.
Nor my dreams.
I don't know.
I kinda miss Taylor. He's pretty cool. I can remember Lindsay and Taylor dating. It was after Lindsay and Nate had broken up. (I swear the Bozeman brothers suck ass. They're all stupid retards....Especially Kevin. xD)
There was this one time Lindsay was like "Take a picture of us kissing" and I was...."Okay o.o" So I did. I think it sucked...I don't know. She's really big into photography.
I remember countless nights on messenger with her talking about Amanda and people in general.
=/
I don't miss her that much...
She grew pretty fake.
But Taylor was...Idk.
I couldn't get a read on him and it sucked.
Because I can usually tell what a person wants/feels.
I couldn't with him....
I honestly don't know...
I could say I like him, but do I?
I rather re-get-to-know him before I make any judgements.
He has a girlfriend too.
It doesn't bother me.
At all.
I think he was upset that I was depressed...
shit. I've been that way for...
Awhile now.
I really don't know how long I have been this way.
It fades in and out, to be quite honest with you.
It's maybe in the middle stage...
So it SHOULD go away within the next two months...depending on what happens.
I look at my old blog, and I was oblivious to a lot of things.
Just blind, I suppose you would say. Now that I think about it, I really hope he wishes me dead. That way I never hear from him again. That'd make my birthday. To know he never wants to talk to me again. And not Taylor you silly people. Kevin. xD
His birthday was monday...Hope he had fun.
The dude didn't even say THANKS for me telling him happy birthday...Made me want to take it back.
Eh.
He's wasted time anyways. :)

Ending Song: "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd

What's best?

2010-04-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Shut Me Up" By Mindless Self Indulgence and "Use Me" By Hinder

I can remember the first time I heard "Shut Me Up" by MSI.
I was on the phone with LaVon...
Good times.
xD
I'm missing my beautiful angel...
Like...
really.
I truely miss him and I'd love to talk to him.
=/
I'm being weak.
That's it...
I swear I will not pick up my phone and text him.
><
I can hear Casey telling me "do what's best for you..."
Idk what's best for me anymore.
=/

New Blog

2010-04-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment: "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit

So I created a new blog just so the dumb fucks can't read what I write.
LMAO.
And I'm thinking of just transfering everything to this blog from my old blog.
><
I can't stand when I know people are stalking me...with no real reason.
I'll say whatever I want, it's a free country. :P